let me tell you a thing about voltaire.

This Hoe.

This absolute sass queen is one of the most unbelievable public figures I have ever read about in my life.

If Voltaire were alive today he would be that girl, you know the one, on Facebook? The one that thinks everybody wants to know what they have to say and that they are right no matter what. The one that makes snide comments about others which apply to themselves? Yeah, that one.

wen ppl talk about others behind their back. judging u ūüė¶

Except this asshole is a respected philosopher? Like? What? Who are you?

This french long-haired tights-wearing scrub wrote a whole novella dedicated to making fun of this other guy’s philosophy. He had the nerve to write an entire book just to throw shade. Apparently, he did it in 3 days. And now literature students all around the world have to read and analyse a 96-page tantrum, their futures depend on being able to break down what this glorified shady Facebook status is trying to say. Asshole.

So this “era-defining work” is called Candide¬†(don’t even get me started on names in this book. The key female character’s name translates to “cunt-arse”. Rude.) and it is a so full of the dumbest plot twists and the most ridiculous characters. I know it’s a friggin’ satire but I had to write an essay on this storm of you-know-what and it was hard (actually it was super simple but I kept getting mad and straying from the point). It is basically a series of events that sums up what Murphy’s Law is all about; LITERALLY EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. All of the characters “die” at least once only to narrowly escape and come back a few pages later. And when I say die they don’t just take a bullet to the abdomen, they get hung and sliced open (that y shape they do on dead bodies), lie there open for ages, then get stitched up and are fine a few days later. This is after they almost die of disease a few chapters earlier and are thought to have died originally in Chapter Two. I’m looking at you Pangloss. Oh haha Voltaire, even after all this Pangloss maintains his theory that this is the “best of all possible worlds”? Just because he’s a philosopher and mindlessly holds to his janky theories? SATIRE? HA? Take that German philosopher¬†Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibniz, you absolute idiot.

I got a little carried away there.

swag daddy voltaireLook at this smug asshole——>

He knows he’s won his little word battle. He knows he came off looking really cool.

Despite my hatred for this guy (possibly influenced by my study of the French Revolution last year) this book does feature some funny if not hella disturbing scenes.

Shout out to the old lady who had her bum cheek cut off and served to the soldiers who raped her. She’s a BAMF and the only character with a tiny bit of sense for the most part.

Should have stayed in El Dorado you whiney-punk-ass-baby-child.

I could say more and I might, but for now I am too emotionally invested and need a nap.

Later guys, try not to get swindled out of your sheep.


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